


golden

by weshouldrelate



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Boys In Love, Dean Needs Castiel, Fluff and Angst, Hurt Dean Winchester, M/M, the absolute death of me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-13
Updated: 2017-11-13
Packaged: 2019-02-01 23:42:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12715251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weshouldrelate/pseuds/weshouldrelate
Summary: Dean tries, and fails, to cope with Cas' death.  A little one-shot of how to Dean goes through missing Cas, and how he gets his angel back.





	golden

**Author's Note:**

> so this was actually my AP Dual Credit Honors Psychology (a pretty difficult class) Project. i got a 110 on it, and my teacher was shook while reading it. totally worth it though:))
> 
> -title is from prob my favorite zayn song ever, golden. definitely give it a listen, it's so beautiful!!

Dean slashed through each demon, not giving a second glance. Blood was dripping down his arms, he had a cut across his back, and he wasn’t giving up anytime soon. He went through every monster in that stupid warehouse, not caring who it was. He had had enough.

 

It was after he had practically chopped down his brother’s leg, that he was hauled to a stop.  
  


“Dean! Dean, stop. What on earth are you doing?” Sam said, disbelievingly.

 

“What’s it look like, Sammy?” Dean huffed.

 

“Look, Dean. I know you lost Cas. I understand, he was like a brother to me. He was more than that to you, I know,” that earned Sam a sharp glare,” But taking out your anger on these helpless idiots isn’t going to help. You need to control yourself! You just destroyed a quarter of Lucifer’s army. He’s going to kill you.” Sam explained to his older brother, concern lacing his voice.

 

“Leave me alone! Did you love him, too? Huh, Sam? Is that why you’re so pissed off?” Dean said trying to redirect the conversation from him. He _was_ in love with Cas, but maybe if he thought Sam was too, it wouldn’t be so bad.

 

“As a brother, Dean. Not the way you loved him. I know you’re not ok.” Sam said.

 

“I’m fine, there isn’t anything wrong with me Sammy.” Dean said calmly.

 

“Cas is dead, Dean! Killing monsters isn’t going to bring him ba-”

 

“Cas isn’t dead. He isn’t. Drop it okay?” Dean snarled, trying to contain his fury, in fear of hurting his stupid little brother.

 

-

 

Dean sat on the floor, his back to Sam’s bed, in the cheap musty old motel room they had paid for after finishing the hunt. Sam had left to get some food for them, grumbling something about starving to death. Dean hadn’t paid attention, just told Sam to get him some burgers and a beer.

 

The older man sat silently, his knees drawn to his chest, his forehead resting on them.

 

He tried not to think about what had happened. In fact, he didn’t even remember what had happened that night. He couldn’t remember a single detail that night.

 

Apart from Cas’ lifeless body falling to the ground after Lucifer had plunged the Angel’s blade into Castiel’s body.  

 

Dean closed his eyes, trying to blink away the tears. He didn’t want to think about it. Not at all.

 

He got up and walked towards the duffel bag he had thrown onto his bed earlier. He zipped it open, and scrambled to find what he was looking for.

 

Once his hands landed upon the trenchcoat, he let the tears fall. He pulled it out and put his nose to the soft material of Cas’ coat. He hadn’t pulled this sucker out since the night of Cas’ death. He doesn’t forget how he had slept with Castiel’s trenchcoat every night for months, after Cas had been killed by the leviathans.

 

He remembers how he had fallen to his knees, his hands searching for Castiel’s body, trying to bring him back.

 

Sam and Dean had lost their mother, one of their greatest allies, and their best friend. All in one night.

 

Dean wasn’t a fool, he knew he was in love with his best friend. He had been since Castiel had fallen from heaven. The angel had left his kind to follow Dean, to protect him. And he knew Cas was in love with him, too. When the angel had finally confessed in front of his family, Dean’s heart had stopped. Logically, he knew. But putting them into words was a problem, so he had ignored Cas. He had hurt Cas by pushing him away, acting as if he had never heard him, like he had never cared.

 

Dean  stuffed the coat back into the duffel, pausing to smell Castiel’s musk one last time. He put it away and walked into the tiny bathroom. He stared into the mirror, willing his life to be happier, better, less depressing.

 

One could only wish.

 

-

 

Dean started the impala, yelling at Sam to get his butt in the car. Once both brothers were in the car, Dean drove out of Jericho, trying his best to forget the hunt.

 

“I know you hate chick-flick moments but you’re not ok. Talk to me, Dean. I’m your brother, I’m still here.” Sam said, genuinely concerned his brother was more broken than he had anticipated.

 

“You know maybe it’s a good thing he’s gone. Now that everything is gone, no one can use him as blackmail against me. Maybe that poor son of a gun is in a better place.” Dean said off-handedly.

 

Both brothers knew Dean wasn’t being honest with himself. He was hurting like hell.

 

-

 

It was a rainy Wednesday morning, dawn just coming up, when Castiel came back to his human. Dean was leaning against the open window, the rain soaking his back. Dean was drawing.

 

Dean Winchester was drawing angel wings from memory. And he was really good at it too.

  
Once the initial shock of Cas had gone, Dean had resorted to praying. It didn’t work, Chuck wasn’t listening.

 

So he had tried everything and anything to keep him sane. He tried playing the guitar, the music too soft for his ears. He got tattoos, wondering maybe the pain of shredding his skin would hurt more than never kissing Cas (it didn’t).

 

That’s how he had settled on drawing, he wanted to try and draw Castiel’s signature lips. He tried and tried, a few weeks later, until he thought he had finally done it. So he kept going, drawing everything that reminded him of Cas. Bees, feathers, burgers, etc.

 

The drawing became an outlet for dealing with Cas’ absence.

 

When Dean had finally seen Castiel after his death, lightning had struck outside the window. The wind had grown strong, threatening to scream, break the windows.

 

Dean had done the only thing he knew how to, he grabbed Castiel’s hand as the tears cascading down his cheeks.

 

“Cas, “ Dean had muttered before the he closed the space between their lips. The thunder outside had shook the entire room, both men finally reunited. The balance of the universe had been reset. And yes, there would be monsters, lucifer, and many more obstacles to come. But this time Dean had chosen to tell the truth, hand in hand with Castiel.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for making it to the end, please leave a message and kudos!! sending a virtual hug to you:)  
> p.s. feedback is always welcome.


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